Strange Trip to the Doctor

Its always a painful thing, going to the doctors. I remember once my dad telling me about a story of him going to the doctors to check a wart out. He never liked going to the doctors because he believed they will always try and find something wrong with you. They are like archaeologists, keep digging until they reach bone. So anyway he goes to this posh doctors’ surgery in London and after a few minutes of waiting is then told to go to a room. As soon as he walked in the doctor took one look at him and asked him to drop his pants.

My dad not wanting to annoy the doctor, did as she said. After a few minutes of staring at his tackle she said “I cant find this wart of yours, where is it?” And he simply looked at her and said “Its here, on my face”.

A great analogy of death

I had a lot of ants in the garden once, I have a semi-large garden with enough space for both man and ant to live in harmony. But it did get to the point where there were too many of them. My dad comes out and says “we need to get rid of these little pricks lad”. So I replied “it is a little cruel, they are outside after all”

So he went inside and popped the kettle on, and I thought I can’t watch this. He went outside with the boiling water and poured it in the hole. After a few minutes I made a cup of tea with the remaining hot water and went outside to look at what happened. I looked at the destroyed ants hill and then saw one single ant return from wherever it had been. Probably eating some poor cunts sandwich. Anyway it saw the hole, and I swear to you, it looked devastated. One minute it went to get a leaf and the next minute it comes back to devistation.

That summed up death for me, that ant was far better off being there when that happened. It’s the ones left alive that are the saddest in this world. I then had a dream about that ant, it walking up to the ant hill, dropping its leaf and running up to its destroyed home, falling on its knees.

Poor home-coming ant.

Useless interesting and humorous facts about everything

You wont need to know any of these things, but i’m bored, your bored, so just read and learn things you never needed to know.

1. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen. 
2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen. 
3. The “57” on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had. 
4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually. On average, that’s 3 pounds a day per person. 
5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels. 
6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn’t digest itself. 
7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim. 
8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945. 
9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. 
10. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle. 
11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 
12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son. 
13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number. 
14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 
15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately). 
16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles. 
17. The ZIP in “ZIP code” means Zoning Improvement Plan. 
18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.
19. A “2 by 4” is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2. 
20. It’s estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk. 
21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar 
22. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 
23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print. 
24. The “spot” on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino. 
25. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 dictionary were misspelled. 
26. The “save” icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards. 
27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively). 
28. Camel’s have three eyelids. 
29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day. 
30. John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son. 
31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister. 
32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system. 
33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps. 
34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. 
35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses. 
36. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 
37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 
38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name “soyce”. 
39. Slugs have four noses. 
40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. 
41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil). 
42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows. 
43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON’T TRY IT, DUMBASS) 
44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing. 
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads. 
46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States. 
47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 
48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun’s magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called “Solarmax”. 
49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.
50. Upper and lower case letters are named “upper” and “lower” because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.

Want to be a comedian? Discover how in this short manual

If you are interested in being involved with comedy you have to be very serious and very committed.

It is very competitive. No one is sat in an office somewhere waiting to give you a job. If you are not willing to face hard-work, low-pay, cruel rejections and endless frustration then you are better off staying a comedy fan.

Most of the people who are writing jokes for TV, appearing on panel shows or recording best-selling stand-up DVDs got there through talent, hard-work and being in the right place at the right time. There is no career ladder. No one automatically rewards you with your own project because you have done your apprenticeship.

I have been obsessed with comedy from a very young age, endlessly re-watching my favourite comedians and sitcoms, dissecting them to see how they work – and I am still learning, refining, figuring out how it’s done.

Firstly, you have to decide what it is you think you are good at. Being a stand up comic is not necessarily the same as being a gag writer, which is not necessarily the same as being a sitcom writer.

If you are starting out, it is very hard to get your jokes and ideas to people who can use them – and more importantly pay you for them. Years ago there was a Radio 4 satire programme called Weekending that paid aspiring writers for unsolicited jokes but I cannot think of any modern radio or TV shows that take material from writers who aren’t already established in some way.

So how do you become established?

The most direct route into the business is stand-up comedy. Most comedy clubs run open-mic nights, which allow beginners to have a go.

This is how almost every comedian gets started nowadays, but you have to be prepared to travel around, with long gaps between each booking, doing five minutes here and there. If you make a good impression you might get invited back and you might be allowed to do ten minutes the next time.

This way you slowly build up an act and a reputation.

Most would-be comics do this while holding down a day job, because they make no money from stand-up for years. Any comedian’s autobiography will probably have long passages about how they trudged around the country, performing in tiny pubs for years and years, making no money, slowly learning their craft.

When I first moved to London I bought a copy of Time Out, the local entertainment guide and called up every comedy club listed, asking for an open spot.

Most didn’t return my calls but a few did.

Once you have booked a few gigs, panic sets in and as you arrive at the venue with a few badly formulated ideas on a scrap of paper you quickly discover whether you have the determination and bowels for a career in comedy.

Even if you are not a natural performer and have no desire to be one, stand-up is still a good way to start out. It forces you to write material and teaches you whether something is funny or not. There is nothing like a room of silent faces to tell you that a joke is crap. And perhaps the joke is not crap, it just needs refining, or a better set-up, or a clearer punch line.

Many of the unknown people who work behind the scenes writing TV comedy started life dabbling in stand-up. Even though they may not have been great performers themselves, they probably had good ideas and good jokes and befriended other comedians on the circuit. When one of those other comedians got their big break and needed writers, whom do you suppose they turned to?

Why, those friendly faces from the circuit.

Right place, right time.

Stand up is a very tough road and there are other ways in.

Lots of people start out writing sketches for university revues, but that normally demands that you are at university. Some brave idiots just book a room at the Edinburgh comedy festival and turn up for a month and hope inspiration hits them. Very few succeed this way.

Some people win competitions organized by TV channels or magazines. Some people start out in a different media job and make a sideways move – from, say, advertising or local radio.

Some people do just sit at home and write a script and send it to a producer and get lucky – but that’s almost never heard of.

The simple truth is that there is no clear-cut way into the business. If you are passionate and capable enough you will get there through hard work and good-luck, as long as you don’t give up when the going gets tough.

The most important thing is keep on writing.

Sketches. Stand-up routines. One-liners. Plays. Film scripts. Whatever, just put pen to paper. Yes, most of it will be crap — but so what? You don’t have to show it to anyone. It’s only by writing that you will learn the craft and discover what it is that interests you.

If you are good at sketches but bad at one-liners, concentrate on sketches. You’ll probably start off by writing stuff that is derivative, stuff that rips off of your favourite comedy shows or comics. I wrote endless sketches that were inspired by Monty Python and Fry & Laurie. Very few people ever saw them.

Over time, you will discover your own style.

And don’t obsess about making your stuff different. Too many people think being ‘new’ and ‘innovative’ is fresh and exciting. Who cares? Does it make you laugh?

Don’t second-guess the audience, just amuse yourself.

If your ideas are very traditional, so what? If it’s a sitcom, worry about characters and structure and dialogue, not reinventing the wheel.

Rant about society

Sometimes I wonder why I was born into this age. Because no matter what age we are born in, humans always wish they where born in a different century, insisting that that was the best year to be alive. We all have our dreams about time travel, some would use it go return to the 60s 70s and 80s. Others would use it to find out about their past relatives. I however would use a time machine to visit the Medieval Era. But basically i’m now going to go through the things that I find most annoying in modern day society:

– I’ve always wished of being in an age where life was simple, tough, plenty of hard work and when nobility and honor still meant something. Now nobility and chivalry no longer exist, no one cares about anyone and there are so many people, it is hard to extinguish yourself from the other 7 billion people out there.

– In the simpler times, you could be good at something and perhaps have one or two others do the same thing as you in that county. These days people who play a guitar for example will have a thousand other guitarists in the same town. individuality has been torn from modern civilization and that is something that severely bothers me.

– Another thing that annoys me is the growing number of people moving into towns and cities. On a recent survey taken on June 2012 showed that almost a million people move into a cities and towns every single day. And yes you might call me a soppy old goat for going on about these things like its the end of the world but people just dont give a shite about what they do and how it will affect them in later years.

-One thing I really hate is when people take several baths a day JUST because they have a cold. Its a waste of water. Don’t ficking do it. I hate waste and It horrifies me to the point where I will abhor a person to the ground for doing so.

There isn’t much that i want in this life, just to live well, have a laugh and not hurt anyone. But I also want to discover it all.

Certificate of Bullshit

Well it’s been ages since I last thought of getting a blog account. But I finally found the balls to get me one for my wondrous mind to flourish and express itself. So with that in mind, I can garantee a exiting and fascinating bunch of words put together from the complex mound that is my mind. Boring? Nope. Too much swearing? Nah fuck em.